While digging through some rubbley piles of antiquated junk I found an old book I had made when I was 12 years old. It was a school project, an autobiography. Here are some excerpts and photos, taken exactly as originally written:
The first page opens with this humble line, “This book is dedicated to the person who made my life what it is today…ME!”
“The Beginning: The beginning for Amanda Paige Olsen marked the ends of the social lives and sanity of Dave and Sherri Olsen. I entered the world on that clear August night the world remembers. I guess I could have been called a problem child before and after birth. Being two and a half weeks late was a slight change in plans and I’m sure my mom didn’t really enjoy 27 1/2 hours of labour. I changed my parents’ lives while they changed my diapers.”
“Family: I belong to an average dysfunctional family. Both of my parents work but they always find time to spend with their favourite daughter (yours truly). My dad is a computer nut and spends his days hacking away, while my mom teaches transcultural nursing at SIAST.
I have a dog named Stephen. Actually, he is my brother, but sometimes it’s hard to tell. He enjoys hurling his action figurines down the stairs while I’m having a sleepover. My dad is a talented long-distance runner who makes his daughter proud of him. He has won lots of awards. My mom always makes sure I’m feeling happy. She keeps the home fires burning. Although they may appear normal, they are very strange. All except for me, of course. But I still love ’em.”
“The School Years:
As kindergarten approached, I became very excited, and on the first day I almost wet my pants with joy. I couldn’t believe I was in ‘big kid’ school now. W.H. Ford was my first school. After kindergarten was done I moved to a new house and started Grade One at MacNeill School. Miss Hillmer was my teacher and then Miss Kripki. Miss Kripki’s class was where I got my first detentions (heh, heh). As time marched on I had various teachers and Mrs. Pedersen was my favourite. Mr. Amundson and I had our differences but I survived. Today I am in Mr. Brown/Chatterson’s room. They seem to be ‘decent dudes’.
My school years have taken up more than half my life (what a waste).”
“Interests and Hobbies: I am a very talented person and to write about all of my interests and hobbies would take forever (but who’s bragging?). Softball is my best sport and I am always the star player. Sometimes. I love softball; it is really awesome. I play the piano and everyone agrees I am the next Beethoven (well, some people…well, one person…me!). I enjoy school. NOT!! Well, it’s not that bad, I guess. My life isn’t that bad. I think my life is actually pretty cool. I have a good time and that’s what matters.”
“Dreams and Aspirations: As I grow up I would like to attend Luther High School and then move onto the Canadian Bible College or medical school. Being an artist interest me and maybe that’s what I’ll be when I grow up. I want to move to Hawaii and meet a “hunk”. I must go on Wheel of Fortune before I turn 40. Writing is something I enjoy and I might like to write best-sellers someday.
These are my plans for the future. I hope it works out.”
“Epilogue: This is my life. I hope you’ve realized how important my existance is to the earth.”
Oh my sweet mustard. I was such a LOSER!
34 Comments
Now I know why you are so entertaining in your blog enties – this was so fun. AND you are not a loser – you just have a lot of self confidence (there! doesn’t that sound better?)
~Mad
This is hilarious!
Ah, I see. You’ve been hilarious since day one!
So well written and humourous. Oh, the things that you can look forward to with Avelyn….
As a teacher, I would have been VERY impressed with your writing ability! It’s hilarious! Great job – you were not a loser! :)
wow you were a really good writer for a 12-year-old. much better than even my current 24-year-old self.
That is excellent writing for a 12 year old. How fun to find something like that! It had me cracking up.
I think your baby picture looks like Avelyn! She may not be a purebread steve after all.
You were so hilarious at 12 and even more so today!
Avelyn really does look a lot like you in the baby pictures.
So the talent for writing has followed you almost your entire life! Very impressive. Also impressive is that I think our parents had the exact same circa 1970 furniture.
That was the funniest thing I have read in a super duper long time. More school projects, please!
That was extremely eloquent for a 12 year old. Seriously, where to begin on this one (cracks knuckles). I have to point out that you said you almost peed your pants now that you were a big kid. Last time I remember, big kids don’t pee their pants. I don’t know your self confidence is hilarious, you don’t need us leaving your comments, apparently your head and the internet can fit into one place…that is impressive! Thanks for showing the pictures, you were quite a cutie…I totally see Avelyn in you. She really wasn’t adopted…awesome!
Wow – you were a pretty good writer for 12! And the sense of humor is great!
And, my lord does Avelyn look like you in those baby pix!
I think of my 12 year old 7th graders and you were well above average! You have only your parents to thank. Read to your children people, I can’t stress that enough!
An incredibly handsome and charming dog (the vanity runs in the blood).
Your dad was a professional computer hacker? ;)
You were such a darling baby!!!
I’m glad you survived your “average dysfunctional family” and worked through that humble streak. You still have time to win a spot on Wheel…
I bet the teachers looked forward to your journals!
That was GREAT!
I would have enjoyed being your friend in junior high school!
Too funny…I found my autobiography project last week as well, and it’s much of the same, but the part that gets me is that wrote of wanting to meet a “hunk” as well. Mom and I giggled over it for days.
bahahahaha.
Thank you for my daily laugh. You rock!
It’s fun that you can still do things you thought you wanted to do when you were 12. When you make it to Wheel of Fortune you have to let me know! (And no one really cool went to Luther anyway. :))
You are such a talented writer Amanda and always make me laugh! Did you go to Luther? I did 83-87 and it was a great school. Have a great day!
“I have a dog named Stephen. Actually, he is my brother, but sometimes it’s hard to tell.”
I am laughing so freaking hard over here!
This post is 100% unadulterated propaganda. You show everyone a little clip of your 7th grade journal and suddenly the world is convinced that you were a child genius. Sorry, but I feel obliged to reveal the truth to your blissfully misinformed readers.
I know the real 12-year old Amanda. When I think of that girl, images of a raw unnurtured writing talent are not what comes to mind first. Rather, I see the girl who was caught with her pants down, literally, whilst peeing BESIDE a parked car during the 7th inning stretch of her softball game.
Objectivity is oh so cruel.
I love it!!!!!
This made me laugh. Also, I had that same floral dress.
this, this is awesome!
It’s funny even if you wrote it now, but for a 12 year old, pure genius. Like in Christmas Story, I’m picturing A + + + + + + !!
No one has mentioned the brilliance of the phrase “OH MY SWEET MUSTARD”?!?!?!
Thank you Slackmistress… I was thinking the same thing. Sweet mustard… bwahahahah!
At 12, my writing would likely not have been comprehensible… yours was hilarious:-)
Yep, you were a fantastic writer, even then. I am sure you’ll do this for a living one day – or you should. You have me rolling. Avelyn is such a cutie. I wish I could write this well NOW….
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This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title . Thanks for informative article
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