I knew I shouldn’t have done it.
I was nearing the end of my work day and was thinking about the choroid plexus cysts and about how they can be markers for chromosomal abnormalities like Down’s Syndrome or Trisomy 18. I knew about Down’s, but was curious about Trisomy 18, so I did an internet search on it.
Then my heart broke and I have been crying all afternoon. I read journals of parents whose children were born with the abnormality and most of them are either stillborn or only survive for a few hours or days.
My mind is heavy with pictures of these fragile infants and hearing stories about how this actually happens has got me frightened all over again.
I know I need to just let go, but it is so hard.
Why is that I feel entitled to a perfect and healthy child?
I see all of my friends with their shiny, happy babies and I guess I feel like I deserve it too. Even though no one really is worthy of such a gift. That’s what’s so miraculous about babies.
Seeing images of the Trisomy 18 babies who die shortly after birth makes me wonder why God would even bother subjecting both the parents and child to such anguish. What’s the point? Then I find myself pondering all of the suffering in the world…we are surrounded by broken people with tragic tales to tell.
I think I am hyper-sensitive right now.
Regardless, the world looks quite bleak tonight.
9 Comments
Amanda, it’s so hard to know what to say when you’re worried about your baby. About the what if’s and could be’s. I know a little bit what it’s like to worry about your child’s health and there’s really nothing like it. I think we just do the best that we can with whatever situation we’re given. And try our best to trust God that He knows your little girl and you and Steve and wants the best for your family, whatever that may be. You know that we’ll all be praying for you and your little one, and that she’ll be a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl.
And STOP looking things up on the internet. It’s no good.
I completely agree with Karen. I don’t have much else to add because she said it all so well I just wanted to let you know that I’m praying too!
I love your love. I know that you must be feeling quite heartbroken at the thought of your child possibly having to go through some of the things you are reading about, but you are also thinking of the babies who have and their parents as well. I love that your heart is too big to stop with you and what you’re experiencing. I have no idea what God has in store for you, but I do know he gives us the strength to get through all things, and he will give you the strength for this, even if it’s just stomaching your internet research. I hope that you can find away to fuel your sorrow over this and spread some of that love to people who need it.
Amanda,
this is exactally why I disagree with ultrasounds. For women get them done during pregnancy when the baby is “developing” meaning things are changing and growing at every second. Seeing cysts could be as normal as seeing a nice healthy heart, and it’s terrible that it puts families through all this worry, cause worrying isn’t doing ANYTHING positive for the baby or the mother. Hopefully you can just have faith that this is something normal and your little baby is meant to be YOUR little baby the way that she is. Also ditto Karen stop looking things up on the internet, it’s doing more harm then good for you right now.
In addition to what Kaili said, the stress you are creating for yourself by imagining the worst. Try meditating and gentle yoga practice. These things can change your whole outlook. Besides, worry never changed the outcome of an event in the history of the world. You and Steve are young and healthy and in the prime age for delivering a healthy baby. All will be as it should.
STOP LOOKING ON THE INTERNET! PLEASE!
I have to disagree with Kaili on the ultrasound, because with my pregnancy loss & other experiences, they actually brought me comfort & relief.
In your situation, it showed a healthy, happy baby, who has a VERY COMMON cyst issue.
BOTH Martine AND Helen have told you not to worry – they deal with this stuff EVERY DAY.
As for God, He is in control, and He does not create evil. Danica had a great post about that the other day.
I love you and want you to focus on the beautiful baby that is growing happily in your belly. My baby is going to have a perfectly healthy friend to play with!
And if you keep looking on the Internet, we’re all going to have to have an intervention :)
Cheer up, eh?
http://www.flurl.com/uploaded/Laughing_Babies_73947.html
I remember looking on the internet too when i was told of the same thing for my babies. it really is not worth it right now until you do another ultrasound, when is your next appointment? try get one for like 5-6 weeks after your first ultrasound. my doctor told me they often see these markers and it most likely is just shadows. i know it is hard to not look, but just enjoy being pregnant and try not to think of all the things that could go wrong, you have a beautiful baby growing inside of you, a baby formed by God for his purposes. i hope this brings you comfort!!
It’s the things that mean so much to us that we have a hard time believing will actually work out. There were days during my pregnancy where Matt would find me, soaked in tears, at the computer as well. I was focusing on all the bad things that could happen- reading the stories of families who have lost a child. Instead, I should have been treasuring every moment that my baby got to spend growing with me.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you’re not constantly in a a euphoric state, like most of us imagine we would be if we were ever pregnant. It is a time when your world is in the process of being flipped upside down, not to mention those wacky hormones. I’m with everyone else on the ‘stay away from internet research’ thing. Next time you find yourself at google, pick up the phone and call one of us instead :)
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