“On the Go”…
should be more appropriately named “On the CAN”

A few months ago I waltzed into 7-11 and was jonesing for something cool and refreshing to drink. I usually tend to go for the delightful burn provided only by a diet coke or diet pepsi, and I love getting my aspartame fix. I know, it’s a vice, but I’ve been drinking diet stuff for years (can’t you tell by my girlish figure?!). I try to steer clear of sugary drinks because if I am going to spend a few hundred calories on something sweet I will opt for a chocolate indulgence. It’s simple logic, really. Anyways, there I was in the convenience store when out of the corner of my eye I saw, at the slurpee machine, a flavour by Crystal Light. A sugar-free slurpee? What a treat! I hadn’t had a slurpee in years, so I walked over and filled up a cup with the syruppy ice and began happily chugging it down. A guilt-free cool treat, what a perfect addition to a hot summer day.

However…

about an hour later I felt this rumbling in my lower intestines, as though there was a rabid monkey kicking my spleen. Before I knew it, I was doing a cheek-clenched sprint to the bathroom and I had the most explosive diarrhea I’ve ever experienced. Seriously. It was a major event.

After my guts had been totally cleared out, I swore to myself that I would NEVER have a Crystal Light slurpee again.

Fast forward three days. It was hot and I had just finished a 5 km walk and I got a craving for…you guessed it…a Crystal Light slurpee. So I bought one. And the same thing happened. Again, I promised that would be the last time.

Yeah right.

Over the course of this summer I’ve had about seven of the laxative slurpees, the last of which being one that I had just yesterday evening. I was out driving with Steve and was like “Can we stop and get a slurpee?”

And he asked, “What kind are you going to get?”

“I don’t know,” I lied.

“Yes you do,” he retorted.

“You’re right. I do. I want me some Crystal Light!” I yelled.

He tried to convince me to abstain, but after a short debate he caved and I had a slurpee in my hungry paws. Sure enough, an hour later, I was plagued by riotous cramps and a frighteningly poweful case of the squirts.

I promise…that was the last time!