I am ready for spring, for the snow to melt and for the windows to get washed and also for us to take everything we own to the dump and/or or light it all on fire.

This weekend I deleted Instagram off of my phone. It had been a long time coming and I was just so tired of mindlessly scrolling through strangers’ feeds whenever I felt like I wanted a little escape from my life. Because the thing is, I want to be present and waist-high in a life that I don’t feel like I need to escape from. Nothing against mindfully engaging in activities that are beautiful little blasts of numbing delight (I’m looking at you, Dirty John) but what I wasn’t liking about my Insta use was the mindlessness of it, the lost seconds, minutes, hours that just weren’t filling me up. I still have access to my account on my computer, but it just feels so freeing to not be able to reach it on my phone.

I have been working with a naturopath for the past six months to resolve some health issues and I have learned so much in that time. No quick fixes, but I am coming to terms with the fact that the body does indeed keep score: of the stresses, the trauma, the pressures and anxieties. Spending an hour with her at my first appointment, delving into details about what the past decade of life has held, made me realize, “No wonder I feel like crap!” We can just get so accustomed to the grind, the push, the crazy pace and when we don’t allow for time and space to let the body and mind recuperate, well, things kind of go to pot. So. I am working on it. Taking supplements, cutting out all my my most favourite things based on the results of food sensitivities test, creating space for recovery from the ‘fight or flight’ rhythm of life, and just learning to show myself some love and care. Even writing that sounds so decadent but I am trying to realize it’s not.

It feels like all the people around me who are wading through these mid-life-ish years are dealing with similar things: curiosities about how best to live, to parent, to work, to love. And coming to terms with owning our stories, releasing shame and taking steps towards freedom. Also, realizing life is too short to just let things happen; understanding the power of intention and observation. It’s good, but this inner work takes time and patience.

I still miss Rolo everyday and remain convinced that no better dog has ever walked this earth. I keep telling Steve that instead of growing apples we should just have a happy puppy breeding farm and basically just snuggle puppies all day. We would be so happy! Puppies!

Our girls are growing into such amazing humans. There were years when I wondered if that would happen, so it truly is a delight. They are smart, funny, critical thinkers who make me proud. This stage is so good and even though I am exhausted, I am thankful.

(Not our Tesla. Just so you know.)

Things that are good:

1. Spotify Premium. Worth the $10/month.
2. Audible. Also worth the monthly charge.
3. Podcasts. Loving lately: Nothing Much Happens (great for falling asleep to).
4. Gluten-free vegan chocolate chip cookie dough.
5. Steve’s video on Agricultural Sustainability (he’s basically a star on YouTube).
6. Naps

Thanks for reading. Hope you stay warm, and that the eternal winter nears its end soon.