I don’t really write anymore, which is lame. Writing is a good way for me to set my brain free, process my thoughts and unpack my feelings. Without an outlet, it’s all left swirling in my mind and oozing out of my ears at inopportune moments.
If I had been writing more regularly, here are a few things you would have heard about:
1. I worked really hard this past fall to lose some weight. Like, REALLY hard. Worked out every day, counted every morsel and I lost about 10 pounds. And while I felt good, better in my jeans, and pleased with my progress, it didn’t feel like a way I wanted to live long-term: keeping track of calories, feeling guilty if I only worked out five days a week instead of six.
The trouble is, as soon as I put my guard down and live a little (aka: not log every piece of food I eat, or, heaven forbid, have a cheese bun) I automatically gain five pounds. Not even kidding. FIVE POUNDS! Maybe it’s the gluten, maybe it’s the wine, but maybe it’s just me. Maybe that’s where my body was created to live…five pounds from where I want it to be. Is that bad? I don’t know. I still want to be active and healthy. And I DO want to be thin, too. But the layers of it all just run so deep for me: I spent a decade lost in a secret spiral of disordered eating and it’s so easy for me to slip back into a bad headspace. Don’t want to go there. Just trying to find the balance between striving for “better” but not beating the joy of life and food out of the everyday.
2. Then there’s my work. I carry around this guilt a lot of the time, and wear it like an invisible lead apron over my professional-looking attire. I just never imagined I would be a busy, working mom. I was going to stay home and love it and make egg-carton caterpillars. Then this amazing opportunity came along, I jumped at it, and I love my career. It’s so satisfying and has helped me find the parts of me that got lost along the way. But the whole balancing act? Of unpredictable work hours, crazy long days and nights, while simultaneously trying to carve out the time to be present for our girls, have food in the fridge (and, if we’re really lucky, on the table), help with homework, listen to their tales of friendship woes and triumphs, play and laugh with them….I am failing. How on earth are there supposed to be enough hours in the day to be a good mother, wife, friend, fitness enthusiast, home-cook, house cleaner, spiritual being, and semi-presentable for public viewing?! I cannot do it all, not even a little.
3. Spring break was LONG. Today on Facebook there were all these moms posting about how much they miss their kids now that they’re back at school and I was all, “We are VERY different. That’s OK. I think you are probably better than I am, but that is also OK.”
4. The wonderful woman who comes to swab our toilets and mop our floors twice a month is away on an extended holiday. We are officially living in squalor.
5. We went for a family hike last night down in the gully at the bottom of the orchard and when we came back we found nine ticks on Rolo, and one each on Steve, Mackie and Avelyn. Nature, MAN!
6. For Christmas I got a road bike and then somehow signed up for a 90 km bike race at the end of this summer. Since getting this new bike, I have learned to clip into pedals, and then also what it’s like to not be able to clip out of said pedals when you come to a stop and fall flat on your side-bum. While still clicked into your bike. Twice. There was no escape.
I have since gone on to figure it out a bit, gone on some great rides and am signed up for a weekend-long bike training camp. In four days. Hold me. I am a little freaked out, but also it’s invigorating to just commit to something, throw yourself in wholeheartedly and see where it leads. I am such a beginner, it’s laughable, but hey, it’s happening. Also, I wore bike shorts in public one time. It was kind of gross but I didn’t even care.
7. Everyone else I know is also super busy and stressed out. Why do we all live like this? Is it just the stage of life? Or are we all making kind of dumb choices? It’s all just going so fast!
8. I went to a 1920s Gatsby-themed murder mystery surprise party on a retired paddle wheeler. That was fun.
Anyways, we are good. Asking Big Life Questions, making it through the days, breathing it all in.
7 Comments
I worked in a bike shop for a number of years and saw men and women (but mostly men) of all shapes and sizes in bicycle shorts. Often. Bicycle shorts aren’t flattering, but don’t they feel 30x better than wearing anything else? They really do.
And for everything else. Life is hard. I’m struggling too. My kids are on spring break for 10 days starting Friday. I’m SO looking forward to not driving a million hours a day, but goodness, I’m not sure what to do with them!
I’ve missed your writing! Glad to “hear your voice” again today. I love that you keep it real and write about these things that we all often struggle with.
Let go of the guilt. Eat cheese and be happy about it (because who Isn’t happy eating cheese?!) and have fun with the new adventure that is biking.
That party looks super fun. I may just have to come to the Valley for my 40th…
I just did a bible study, it’s not super intense theologically or loaded up with homework or anything. It’s based on the movie ‘Moms Night Out’. It’s called ‘Beautiful Mess: Motherhood for Every Moment’ and it totally speaks into the stage of life we are in. It changed my perspectives, helped me see the eternal in raising my kids, and helped me think through many of the same tough questions you were asking in this post. Best of all its not a template, or a cookie cutter solution or 10 steps to whatever. It’s a lot of encouragement and open ended questions for us each to find our way. I highly recommend it. As a working mom of 5 whose life did not go the way she planned, it was the life raft I needed.
Good luck with your bike race! I’m sure you’ll do splendidly.
Gah. We are often in the same headspace are we not? As I read through this post I just kept nodding my head and saying “mmmhmm” over and over again. I want to lose the weight too but I find that when I am trying it is fine but it is ALL I AM DOING and everything else falls by the wayside. And do I want to be the kind of Mum who is so concerned with her weight that her daughters are always worried about their weight? No, I don’t. I’m pretty tiny, I admit this, but I have that baby weight around the middle I would like to get rid of so people stop asking when baby #4 is due. The answer is still: never. And when faced with the prospect of Spring Break this year I signed my two oldest girls up for a day camp. I felt really guilty over it but then I decided that since I spend all my time with them anyway that it was a good opportunity to try something new. Plus I was going to get lots of stuff done around the house with only one small child to look after. The verdict is that I got nothing done around the house but I did read two books and drink lots of tea so it was a successful Spring Break and I wasn’t sorry to see them go back to school/preschool. I’m so happy that you found the time to write something!
Oh Amanda, we are thinking all the same thoughts as of late! All I keep repeating to myself is this nugget of wisdom I recently read: “You can have it all: just not all at once.” Love <3
It is hard to be a mom and work and fit in anything for yourself. I think we all struggle with it but all you can do is keep going and hope for the best.
I wanted to comment on the weight thing. I’ve been struggling to loose weight on and off for years now and one of the things that I read on myfitnesspal.com is that we have reserves in our body and that we burn off, we then lose the weight we want to lose and then our body packs those reserves back on (usually about 5 lb).
So the point they made was to go a few pounds further than you felt necessary because your body was going to put the reserves back on once you started to maintain and eat normally. They were much more sciencey about it but that was the gist. I guess I just wanted to say don’t blame yourself…you didn’t do anything wrong…your body is just taking care of its self.
I love your honesty Amanda, you are able to articulate many things that ring true for me. No one can do it all, i feel frustrated trying to do it too even though i know i can’t. sounds like you did a fantastic job with fitness, good for you! my house is usually a mess, i make dents in it my cleaning one or two things at a time when i get a minute. nothing is ever clean all at the same time. oh well! keep up with the blog! thanks for sharing
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