My feelings toward you vary daily. Lately I have been torn between marveling at your capabilities and cursing your tendencies.
It’s been so hard to find peace with you. We rocket back and forth from fighting one another to loving each other, but it seems like the love never lasts.
I feel like you will always be a sort of burden to me, someone I need to constantly keep a close eye on for fear youll lead me to one of the terrible places you’ve taken me before. I know I need to take responsibility for my part in those journeys, but their pain still lingers and I’d rather not think about it.
You have a beauty about you and I don’t let it truly shine, since I focus on your shortcomings.
I feel as though you can’t be trusted. If I give you an inch, you take a mile. When I have given you free reign, my mind is at peace but my skin is not.
Not too long ago we learned some good things, the two of us, and we were working together to find a rhythm that pleased us both. It wasn’t perfect but we were both happier than we’d been in a long time. But now circumstances have changed and I feel like you are demanding so much of me again and the only way I can keep you quiet is to feed you. And then you go and do your thing, expanding my perimeters and softening my edges again.
It’s hard for me to define where I end and you begin. We are one and I want us to find peace, finally.
Love,
Amanda
PS: And no, you can’t have a cookie right now. Stop asking already!
12 Comments
Beautiful, Amanda. I am proud of you for being so brave.
xoxo
Well written…I am nodding in agreement!!!
Well said my dear, well said.
I think you might find that this inner argument goes on in every persons’ mind, if not hourly at least daily. I hope that you can continue to find the healthy balance between the body’s cravings and the baby’s needs!! All the best. :)
“You have a beauty about you and I don’t let it truly shine, since I focus on your shortcomings.”
So well said. We are all such victims of this.
LOVE iT!!! Oh so true :)
Letter to my body: What she said.
This was beautiful babe. It’s so hard to define body image and how we feel about our own bodies. It’s hard for me to even discuss it, but it remains a poignant powerful subject. Also: you are lovely.
Can totally relate….well said.
I care, i care…I am just behind in reading blogs. As a fellow Chubet and body self loather…I am familiar with the love/hate battle. When I lost all my weight a few years ago, i felt amazing. I am not looking down at a body that is 55lbs heavier (not an taller)…albeit I am pregnant…but that only accounts for 23lbs of the 55. I totally 100% identify with your inner monologue struggle and yet the miraculous process of pregnancy and all that God has created our bodies to do, it is AWESOME. I have to agree with you..maybe we have been too light and easy with the humor and sarcasm that when we lay o a real post it is like a desert in the comment section. What gives?
Hola Amanda,he mirado tu blog y realmente tu nina es muy linda es una linda pequena modelo.parece un angel,te felicito. pero vi tambien el video de cuando nacio y todo me encanto hasta cuando vi que el perro la lamio y en la boca….oh por Dios debo serte sincera y decirte que me extremeci…quiza por que a los perros y los gatos les tengo fobia y siento que por muy cuidados que los tengamos no dejan de tener microbios y para un bebe y en la boca?….bueno pero igual felicitaciones por tan hermosa bebe y cuidala mucho mucho.bye ine
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