Do you know what my most vivid memory of breastfeeding Avelyn is? I was sitting in a hard-backed chair in her nursery, my 18-pound boob resting on my lap, while Steve tried to pin Avelyn’s arms down to keep her from angrily flailing about as he unsuccessfully attempted to ram her tightly closed mouth onto my aching body. She was screaming; I was crying. It was miserable.
I don’t want to breastfeed our next baby. But I am going to try, because I know it’s the best source of nourishment and I want to give it an honest effort. And nursing is a two-way street; it takes a willing child and mother to make it work. Avelyn was too easily frustrated and had no interest in tolerating my flattish nipples. Perhaps this next baby will be wide-mouthed, hungry and diligent. But if he or she isn’t, and I have to dust off my breast pump in order to make my milk available, I will. I just don’t know for how long. I pumped for nearly seven months with Avelyn but I doubt I’ll have the energy or time to do that for this new baby while also chasing after a toddler. I don’t want to feel guilty if I pull out the Good Start after a couple months. But I know I will, at least for a few hours.
There is so much more to being a mother than breastfeeding, and if I am going psycho from pumping at 1 am, 3 am, and 5 am for months on end and I become a zombie mom who is too tired and irritable to take care of my kids, it’s not worth it.
Anyone know a good wet nurse?
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I had flattish nipples too, and a very sleepy baby. A lactation consultant suggested nipple shields as a way to get my lazy nurser to latch and they were lifesavers. After three months she was more awake and the nips were less flat so it ended up working out.
I agree that it takes two, and if it doesn’t work, no one can say you didn’t try. Maybe this baby will be an awesome nurser and your painful (no pun intended) memories will be replaced.
Well, not exactly a wet nurse, but… When I had my oldest, I was over-producing milk. (In the mornings I could easily pump 8-10oz. In 15 minutes. It was a little bizarre.) My midwife knew someone who couldn’t breastfeed her son and was looking into milk banks, but they’re so expensive. I told her I would be happy to send her some extra. This mom loved the idea and since the midwife had my medical records and cleared me with confidence, the mom accepted my milk as a supplement for her son’s formula feedings. We did this for 6 months and I probably could’ve done more but my own son started weaning himself. I’m not sure how you would find someone like that– maybe ask a local breastfeeding consultant or something? It isn’t a traditional way to do things, and some people might think it’s awful to give your child someone else’s milk, but I think it was a fabulous way for me to help this child through my own abundance.
I hope the next child takes to nursing really well and this doesn’t become an issue, but it’s a thought. (And I’m not militant, so if you have to go the formula route from the start, fine. It’s just rough on the wallet.)
I am in the same boat. Nursing my son was a nightmare and I am not looking forward to nursing my second son (due in June), but I will, or at least, I will try. The one thing I won’t do this time is beat myself up about it if it doesn’t work out or make myself crazy pumping all the time like I did last time. Happy news is, my doc says nursing the second time around should be easier than the first. Lets hope so!
Nursing both my kids was a nightmare… for many, many reasons I will not bore you with. I had some sort of weird hormonal thing which would not let me be disuaded from quitting, even though I know for a fact I would have been happier if I switched to formula.
I secretly envied my best friend… because of a prior surgery she could not breastfeed and therefore did not go through the struggle I did.
She told me one time, when I was in tears and on the verge of quitting breastfeeding… “Food does not equal love.”
On that particular day, when I was facing the choice to quit breastfeeding or keep on trying… I took great comfort in those words.
P.S. Due to sheer stubborness and apparently a willingness to be miserable if it would benefit my kids, I managed to finish 1 year of breastfeeding with each kid.
I hope this offers you some encouragement whether you decide breast feeding or bottle feeding is right for you and your baby.
it does go by child to child, with Maya, things went perfect…she was willing and i was able…no problems, i have a friend who went to a lactation nurse every single day for 8 months…i think thats just nuts!!! everyone is different and you can bond just as easiely, maybe more so over a bottle if you both are happy. good luck!
Hey Amanda. Good for you for trying again. I agree that it’s the best method and if you can do it, you should try.
I just wanted to tell you that maybe getting in touch with a La leche league leader might be helpful. One of my friends is a leader and I would have been completely completely lost without her while starting to nurse Josie. Plus their services are voluntary so cheaper than hiring a lactation consultant. And you don’t have to be “crunchy” to benefit from a LLL leader. ;)
But you are right – no guilt! Try your very best and if it doesn’t work out, everything will be fine with the Good Start. :)
If you absolutely don’t want to breastfeed this baby then don’t. It has been said here already, every baby is different. You may have a great experience this time. As nurses we are recommending nipple shields more and more which are giving moms with less than “perfect” breastfeeding anatomy a chance to breastfeed. Your baby may be a willing participant this time and all your worry will be for not. I have said this before, a happy bottle feeding mom is much better for her baby than a stressed out breastfeeding mom. Don’t let anyone give you a hard time for choosing how you feed your baby.
Just wanted to wish you all the best when the time comes to decide what to do with you new little one. You’ll know what is right for you, I’m sure.
Still laughing about the 18 pound boob comment.
My first experience was similar to yours– we stuck it out even though I agonized and obsessed over it for an unspeakable portion of every day for first few months. With my second and third babies it was a TOTALLY different experience. Sure there were moments when I was frustrated but it was so much better than I could have hoped for.
I had a horrible time with breastfeeding my first go-round. I just couldn’t handle the pain of breastfeeding on top of the pain I was in from giving birth. I pumped for awhile, but I was going crazy with lack of sleep so I switched to formula. We were both happier. With my son I was determined to try again and this time everything went much better and I have nursed him exclusively for the last 6 mos. I like nursing better because I HATED washing bottles. However, I have to say that both of my children are happy and healthy and how they were fed their first year has absolutely no bearing on that.
its really to bad that mothers need to associate bad parenting with not being able to nurse. i formula fed my kids from the begining, and they were no more sick or behind any other child.
if you don’t want to nurse, or were miserable why do it? why even waste time being upset and discouraged by it.
no big deal!
Never had a baby and therefore have never breastfed. I don’t have any advice or stories to share, only wanted to say good for you for knowing your limits and for working so damn hard the first time around. I hope that things work out for you this time but regardless of what happens you seem to be a fantastic mother who wants the best for your children.
I have heard that nipple sheilds can be very helpful if you have “flat” nipples, so perhaps you could try them?
But I agree with many of the others … if it’s too hard and you are miserable and upset about how difficult it is, just stop! It won’t matter. Many babies are bottle-fed and it doesn’t make you any less of a good mother.
Honestly, people may stare at you if you bottle-feed your baby out in public (I have heard stories from my friends who bottle-fed) but I can vouch for the fact that just as many people stare if you breast-feed them!! So do what is right for YOU.
I have an unused nipple shield if you are interested in that Amanda. :)
I had the exact opposite problem…my girl wouldn’t take a bottle of anything from anyone. I remember about 2 days before returning to work being on the floor in tears begging her to “just drink something!” We had been trying to get her to take a bottle for 12 weeks at that point. It was so frustrating and it seemed our life revolved around that single mission. And you know what? When we finally decided a bottle wasn’t in the cards, we adjusted (thanks in part to a wonderfully understanding boss and a daycare within 100 yards of my office) and everything went well fine and we just weaned with really no problems at 16 months.
I’m very impressed that you are trying, as I think so many people don’t even do that, but…dude -there is NO reason to get too caught up in it. BabyB will thrive either way.
I think it is important to keep in mind that every baby is different. It broke my heart when after only 4 months AVa started weaning herself. By 6 months she had completely weaned off the breast and completely refused the breast. Not only that, but I couldn’t pump. I would virtually get a drop after 1 hour of pumping. It was heartbreaking more than anything. With Kynan it was the complete opposite. He loved to nurse and nursed often. I had an abundance of milk. And I wouldn’y confidently say that Kynan is weaned. He still occasionally asks to nurse- like once every few days. So have hope for the second, but know that you are far from a bad parent even if you have to formula feed.
Awww…Amanda, you are such a good mom and I’m sure whatever you decide will be right for you and your baby!
Yes, whatever works best for you is what you should do.
You do what you need to do to survive. You are a great Momma, this I know.
And if anyone gives you any flack, send ’em my way. ;)
Holy crap, pumping for 7 months! At night! Now that’s dedication, no wonder you’re thinking about it already. You’ll figure it out when the time comes, especially if you have a good, open-minded support crew.
I just wanted to give you a medal for pumping for 7 months. I hate pumping. It takes me like half an hour to get 6oz.
I had a really rough rough start to nursing. I wasn’t prepared for it to hurt SO much and take SO much effort. But don’t worry, flattish nips will work their way out after a bit. If you can handle the first 8 weeks, you can go for months. Hopefully this baby will be more patient and you will just try your best and see what happens. Try not to stress out about it. Give it your best shot.
Good for you for knowing whats best for you and your family! I’m not expecting number two (yet) but I somehow think a lot of these big decisions will seem a little easier with baby number two. Well I hope so at least, we haven’t managed to break baby number one yet so we must be doing something right!
A friend of mine has had one child love breastfeeding and another hate it – so much is down to the baby and yet everyone puts so much pressure on the mum. I’m realizing that even though I had a good experience with Duncan, I don’t have any control over what will happen with the next baby and I may not be able to breastfeed as long or as much as I’d like (which is a bigger deal in our family due to cow’s milk protein allergy). It sounds like you’ve got the best plan, give it a whirl but if it doesn’t work, don’t beat yourself up about it.
I HATED breastfeeding the first time & the second time, IF there is a third time I will NOT do it. It was SO amazing to stop at 6 weeks this last time & just say nope I’m done my boobs are mine again!! I was able to give him breastmilk until 12 weeks bc I was an over producer but it wasn’t bm exclusive. I know it’s the best for them nutritionally but I don’t think today’s formula is that lacking that I’m in anyway harming my child. Good luck!
You are much better than me, I did not breastfeed with either child, had to return to work in 6weeks and knew there was no possible way to balance all that…and did not want either to have any seperation anxiety from my chest and from me at the same time sooo…we bottle fed. Good thing…they were both boys and very hungry at that!
But yes there is soo much more to being a mom, balancing the innocent demands of both babies is gonna be a challenge. But you’ll figure it out.
It was hard to nurse Megan (oh, the tears…form both of us…), easier to nurse Kayla (not a piece of cake, but easier), and Lauren was the easiest (aside from the fact that I underproduce milk -with all of my babies-, which is a nightmare in intself…) Good for you for trying again, I was feeling the same when I was pregnant after nursing. Every child is so different. Maybe this next time will prove to be less of a challenge…
Hi,
Just de-lurking to say that I would have loved to have breast feed my kids and considered trying for bonding purposes even though all 3 are adopted! I opted not to try some of the things that could have been tried becasue it just wasn’t quite for me. I had guilt and sadness but you know what, they are great–healthy, happy, developing normally, and attached. So, do what you can but have no guilt. There is enough of that in parenthood as it is. They will get great breast milk from you or from a bottle, or clinically sound formula, all three great options.
Whatever you decide…I got your back.
I didn’t breastfeed either of my kids because it didn’t work for either of us. You do what you must to get through babyhood. Make the decision that works for your family and you will all be fine.
Amanda, my feed for kickyboots must have zonked out. The last update that came in was in February!?!
Your tiny bump is adorable, and I can totally understand where you’re coming from on the breastfeeding front. I don’t know if I would have the staying power the second time around with two kids needing my attention. Let me know if you find a good wet nurse. I may pick up her services at some point in the future. ;-)
Good luck! I know what a journey it is and the rollar coaster of emotions that goes along with it. For me it was Baby #3 that was a charm, the other two were on formula by 3 months. I don’t know what flipped the switch but it flipped. And I think in my last email I wrote you I totally stuck my foot in my mouth and blame it wholeheartedly on mommy brain. I was just amazed at how much millk was in my boobs and they weren’t like a size double H or something! It truly has been an oddity that my same boobs were virtually empty twice before and now they’re like geysers!
Breastfeeding was the bane of my existence when I had my daughter 19 months ago. If I have another baby I suspect I’ll try breastfeeding again, but I won’t try as hard as I did last time, as my relationship with my daughter was compromised. I’m not willing to do that again for the sake of breastfeeding.
All of that negativity aside, this baby may be completely different and you’ll be able to breastfeed without issue. I hope that’s the way it works for you!
Don’t fret!! My 1st baby was the same… it got so bad that my attempts to breastfeed him made him go down a pound and a half the 1st month!!! We both cried and struggled so I ended up pumping for over 6 months and he did great.
However my 2nd baby was a born hungry (11 lbs might I add)and after about a week or so nursing was running smooth :) I had already decided to give it a week or two and then pump but I ended up solely nursing for over 10 months!
Just do what works best for you and your baby :)
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