Last Friday I found myself sitting around a table with a few women from different age groups and walks of life.  The conversation turned to that of weight and body image and our personal experiences in both matters.

A woman in her forties confided, “I was always the fat sister in a family where thinness was held in high regard. I have never been at the weight I wanted to be, but I have wasted the past 20 years trying to get there. I wonder how much time I’ve wasted worrying about my weight and food, and how I’ve cheated myself and others from so much as a result.”  This woman is beautiful.  I have always thought she carried herself with a regal air, and she is not at all overweight.

Another woman spoke, “Growing up, my mom was always unhappy with how she looked.  She was always griping about her weight and going on a new diet.  Now I find that I’m the say way.”

One shared, “When I was 15 and rail-thin I was wearing a top that showed off a hint of my midriff and I’ll never forget my mother telling me that it was time I started doing some stomach crunches.”

I had some real thinking to do.

My struggles with eating began when I was 16.  If you do the math, it’s been ten years since then and in that decade there have only been a few tiny slivers of time when I have actually felt happy with my weight.  The rest of the time I have either been dieting, or starving, or crazily exercising, or overeating, or swinging madly between all of the extremes.  When I did Weight Watchers two years ago, it was one of the best things I’ve ever done: it taught me about nutrition and what it really means to eat a balanced and healthy diet.  It’s a good program, but I feel like I kind of let it get away on me this time.  Far too much of my time and energy has been spent focused on my weight and on the foods I’m eating or not eating.  When I weigh myself in the mornings, the number determines my mood for the day and I don’t like that.  It’s been months since I’ve sat down for a meal with my family and eaten the same thing they have.

I need some time off.  To stop writing about weight loss.  To stop thinking that life will really start when I lose those last ten pounds.  To stop spending so much of every day consumed by thoughts of food, weight, and how much I hate cellulite.

So, I am going to take a break.  Not a free-for-all “let’s eat until I burst” break, but rather a “let’s think about something other than my soft rear for more than three minutes each day” break.

I am going to use the tools I’ve found to be helpful (ie: vegetables are neat, ranch dressing is fun but not everyday, and it probably isn’t a good idea to leave freshly baked cookies on the counter on a very regular basis) and I am going to keep exercising (really, I have felt so good getting back to some physical activity and will keep up with my 10k running program not because I think it will help me get skinny but because I feel so energized after my jog).

I do still want to lose weight, but I just know that I need some time away from the manic Point counting.  Hungry Mondays will commence again when, well, when I feel like it.

Until then, ciao*.

*Pun intended.

Stats:

I don’t want to talk about it.

This week was Bad.  Not just a little bad, but “capital B” Bad. It was the week before my period so usually I experience a frustrating plateau in my weight loss efforts.  I was doing really well at sticking to my Points for the first half of the week, but instead of plateauing the numbers were creeping to the right; I gained a pound a day for three days straight, and I had not gone over a single Point!  If that ain’t enough to make you want to quit and build a fort made out of brownies that you have to eat your way out of, I don’t know what is.  I let the Bloat o’ Despair get the best of me and I ate well over my Points all weekend long, just to spite the system that had failed me.  Boo for the Points!  Boo for me!  Boo all around!

I spent some time reflecting on my frustrations and came to a few conclusions:

First, I know that one rough week should not derail my efforts or my goals.  I am not going to give up.

Second, I have decided to work both sides of the weight loss equation and have committed to exercising again.  The sun has been shining and Steve has been watching the girls on his lunch break while I go outside for a 45 minute run (erm, jog…well, walk…but it’s brisk, I tell you!).

And third, cheesecake is really, really good.

(For more blather about my terrible week, check this out.)

See you next week, folks.  If there’s no good news to report, look for me at the local greasy spoon where I’ll be working my way through a meter-high stack of pancakes.

Stats:

Last week: 146

This week: 146

This body of mine is one confusing being.  I totally blew it this weekend!  My first real face-plant off the WWagon in a very long time and I made it count.  I went out to dinner with a friend to my favourite restaurant, Boston Pizza (I know. It’s not the classiest choice but have you tried their Garlic Twist Bread with Alfredo dipping sauce? Or their Cactus Cut Nachos? Or their Thai Chicken Bites?  If not, no judging [And yes, that is what we ordered, you nosy beasts]! ) and we filled our faces with carby, cheesy delights which I’m certain went over my allotted Flex Points.  It was divine.  But instead of getting back on track the following day, I, well, I kept on eating whatever I wanted.  Nothing too crazy but there was more peanut butter involved than there should have been.  When I stepped on the scale this morning I was fully anticipating a few pounds gain, but it hadn’t budged.  What the heck?!  Don’t get me wrong, I was pleased.  But it’s just so strange to me that sometimes I will be so diligent about not going over my Points and I’ll still see no weight loss, but then when I throw caution to the (carby) wind the same thing happens.  Makes me feel like I should ram my mouth full of Boston Pizza every week since it does no harm. I know it would catch up with me eventually, but for today I am happy to have not lost any ground in my weight loss journey.

This morning for breakfast I poured myself a bowl of multigrain cheerios and my stomach (and thighs) will thank me for it.  Back on track, re-welcomed to the WWagon, and it feels good.  I’ve got my eyes on 140 and my goal is to be there by the beginning of March, so I had better hop to it!

Stats:

Last week: 146

This week: 146

This week blew phlegmy chunks.  Literally.  We’ve all been sick and I am exhausted.  I caught some weird strain of the flu that left me without appetite for a good part of the week, then when it returned I didn’t bother counting Points since I was too wasted from taking care of coughing, barfing grumpy kids all week to care what I was ramming down my maw.  I am back on track again this week and will hopefully be back to report that my kids are healthy and I am so skinnnnneeee!

*insert rattling, wet chest cough of both children here, followed by a pathetic wail of “Mommmeeee!”*

Gotta run!

Stats:

Last week: 148

This week: 146

Hurrah!  Another pleasing week.  Even with Christy’s company I managed to keep losing since we, for the most part, kept one another on track.  There was a lot of diet coke and edamame going on, but we used our Flex Points gloriously on the weekend when we went out to dinner and celebrated Ange’s birthday.   (For those wondering I had a pesto chicken quesadilla, skinny fries and lettuce wraps, all of which were straight from heaven.)

While this journey is slow, I am thankful for results.  It feels good to set a goal and watch yourself near it.

Same time next week, weight stalkers!

Stats:

Last week (and the five before it): 149

This week: 148

Finally!  Good-bye, 149!  It’s been nice, but I am never coming back to you, you clingy jerk.

Ah, you have no idea how sweet it is to finally see the scale budge away from that number.  This week was hard, though.  I was literally clawing my way through the days when it came to my WW motivation, caring for my children, tending to my disastrous sty of a house, etc.  I was in a rough place and not being able to just have a cookie to ease my woe made the woe even worse.  I found myself again focusing on the “why is it so hard for me to lose weight?!” aspect of this journey, as though it’s a breeeze for everyone else.  I know that’s not true.  I did have a moment of weakness when, after fighting the urge for two hours, I waltzed over to the cookie jar and wolfed down a few of those Homemade Oreos, even though I had already used my Flex Points for the week.  Owell.  It’s not about perfection, rather persistence.   And persist I shall!  Now that I’ve seen the scale inch to the left a little, I am hungry (ha!) for more progress.

This week will come with a new set of challenges as my dear pal, Christy, who moved to Alberta last year, is coming for a visit.  She too has just started Weight Watchers and we’re planning to hold each other accountable.  That means we’ll be noshing on edamame and sipping Diet Coke.  Sounds fine on paper, but when a long-lost friend comes to visit, one feels the urge to celebrate, you know?  And go out for dinner, and bake cupcakes, and down full-fat Starbucks drinks.  Alas, I am hoping that when I am weak she’ll be strong, and vice versa, since we both have the same goal in mind.  We can have fun without focusing on food, right?  (Don’t answer that.)

Stats:

Last week: 149.75

This week: 149

Nothing too exciting this week and I would have liked to see some more results since I felt like I was working extra hard to get back on track after the holidays.  Alas (for those of you keeping track of my menstrual cycle), I kind of knew I wouldn’t lose much this week since I never do during the week leading up to my period.  Next week will be better.

I faithfully stuck to my Points and remembered how unfun it is to go bed hungry, instead of having late-night Christmas snacks from the deep freeze.  I have discovered the beauty of edamame, however, and it’s a welcome addition to my (often blah) menu.  It’s the perfect snack:  salty, satisfying and high in protein.

I was a little grumpy this week too as my body was adjusting to the change in diet.  Also, I have not slept through the night in SIX MONTHS and am feeling the burn.

I am writing about my weight loss (or lack thereof) journey at Bodies in Motivation and I am wondering if Hungry Mondays should permanently relocate to that site.  Are you sick of hearing about my weekly progress here?  Would you rather read about it at the other site?  Tell me what you want, people!

In case you’re interested, here’s my latest post there.

Stats:

Last week: 149

This week: 149.75  (but who’s counting?)

After a three-week break from Weight Watchers to celebrate the holidays, I am back to counting my Points and it feels great.  The Christmas break was wonderful and I really let myself enjoy the family, friends and food to their fullest.  I am very pleased that I maintained my loss while still savouring the festive goodies.  I thought I would really have to work hard to reign myself in and not go crazy around the sweets, but it was very easy to eat moderately; I didn’t have the desire to stuff myself silly.  This is progress, people!

I am anticipating a hungry/grumpy week as I get back on track and my body goes through shortbread withdrawl, but I feel so ready to get back on track and inch closer to my goal in the New Year.

Happy (almost) ‘09!

Stats:

Last week: 150

This week: 149

Remember how I said that I was going to stick with Weight Watchers this past week and then take it easy for the rest of December to enjoy the holidays in moderation?  Well, I made it to Tuesday morning before I decided, “Life’s too short!  The time for cookies is upon us!” and I spent the rest of the week eating whatever I pleased.  And I lost a pound.  What the heck?!  I plateaued for the previous two weeks while noshing on rice cakes and then when I gently toss in the towel and embrace the beauty of the Nanaimo bar, I lose a pound?!  I’m not going to fight it.

My mindset feels so different.  Instead of facing a holiday event or party thinking, “I just have to make it through without eating anything bad,” I am actually enjoying the events without focusing on my self-imposed deprivation.  Again, I have been careful to not overeat: when my panini was half-eaten and I felt full, I didn’t ram the remaining half down just for the fun of it; I put it down and stepped away.  And I’ve been having a sweet treat or two when the urge hits, but only when I’m truly hungry and I make sure to savour them and not head back for more when I’m satisfied.

I plan to get back to Weight Watchers after this glorious Christmas week has passed, but until then I am having a jolly good romp with the shortbread!  Merry Christmas, all!

Stats:

Last week: 150

This week: 150

No weight loss again this week, but, again, I am neither surprised nor disappointed.  Let me explain: this week I had four major holiday events that all revolved around food.  At the first event I was dedicated and picked at sushi and steamed edamame while everyone else chowed down on bacon cheeseburgers.  The next event was a Christmas cookie exchange party and I caved at the sight of all the glorious treats before me.  But I didn’t go crazy, I just enjoyed a couple goodies, rather thoroughly.  We were then at two more holiday parties and I decided that I wasn’t going to worry about Points or focus on losing weight, rather focus on enjoying the treats in moderation and the wonderful company around me.  So, I ate.  Butter on my buns, english toffee, full-sugar punch, hashbrown casserole, and brownies.  But I made sure not to overeat and to listen to my body’s cues.  And ta-da!  I didn’t gain an ounce.

Granted, I didn’t lose weight, which would have been even better, but I consider the fact that I was surrounded by and partook of rich, delicious foods all weekend and didn’t overindulge, to be a huge victory for me.

So here is my revised holiday plan:  I am back to counting Points for this week.  But after that, once my family arrives and the Christmas celebrations begin in earnest, I will eat the yummy stuff, but in mindful moderation.  This week has proven to me that I can do that and not gain 40 pounds a day.  I think this will make the holidays much more enjoyable and even if I stay at 150 for the rest of the month I know I’ll have a renewed drive to get back on the WWagon in January when the rest of the world is also making resolutions.

I don’t feel like this is a cop-out, and I am not giving myself permission for a two-week free-for-all.  So there.   One-fitty ain’t so bad if it means I get some shortbread.